just a thought that came out of a feeling.
life’s been bad especially the couple of months that had just past; no shit about that, and whilst somehow i’ve mustered enough strength to shrug off the depression and pathetic spitefulness to simply laugh it off, i can’t help but take a moment to break it all down and figure out what’s actually happening inside of me. i know, on the outside, i’m fine. i’ve got a few bruises and scars and moments where i shriveled in a ball and let tears plunge down like the Niagara falls, but generally i’m fine in fact, doing well, at least when you consider the number of shit i’ve had to go through. but inside am i really?
i’m really afraid i would one day, just break apart, fall apart into pieces and then be too damaged to ever be fitted back again. maybe, behind all this laughter and optimism, i’m slowly degenerating, hurting and disappearing into thin air. maybe i could be saved, and maybe all the pain and despair, the body’s warning signals, that i’m suppose to be feeling are all being masked by denial – alike adrenaline to a physical body, acting as a pain reliever.
that said, i feel that in the past few months i have matured. maybe not in the greater sense, of finally finding a strong and life changing motivation in life, or maybe not a pratical sense such as i have finally stopped indulging in fried or fast food or stop playing games in general. but, i’ve learned to make decisions and i’ve learned to compromise. most of all i’ve learned that though friends are important, no one’s gonna replace family for they are permanent, and they will forever be there. there’ll never be the best, but they’ll always be enough. and no amount of argument of hatred can change that. i’ve learnt that i could have everything, everything, but everything will be nothing, if i or the people that matters do not have, health.
