so there was christmas, and new years, and the family trip to paris, dubai and geneva before all that. and now, the lunar new year has just passed by and before we know it, it would be February, and before i forget, happy 2012 people.

this year has began on a better foot, (is that how the phrase goes?) as compared to the previous year. honestly, the probable reason why i haven’t last visited this place is because i do not one to put everything down on ink just yet. life’s so volatile nowadays, that yesterday’s happiness maybe a jinx and pretext for tomorrow’s demise.

besides all those, i’ve submitted my UCAS, and applied to the five best places i could go without having slaved through lnat. i hope lse brightens my year by offering me unconditionally. UCAS seems to be my beakon for hope and prospect, that’s especially important since life has been on a standstill, which could be a bargain, till the ground starts slowly descending, and that’s where i realise life couldn’t get any worse.

i need things to get better, people to be more supportive; i need friends to be closer and my family to get healthier. i need things to be easier and situations to get simpler. i need time to be in my favour and i need to smile more readily. i need to be braver against the fears, and more determine in my hopes. i need more than i want and i can have.

life’s been bad especially the couple of months that had just past; no shit about that, and whilst somehow i’ve mustered enough strength to shrug off the depression and pathetic spitefulness to simply laugh it off, i can’t help but take a moment to break it all down and figure out what’s actually happening inside of me. i know, on the outside, i’m fine. i’ve got a few bruises and scars and moments where i shriveled in a ball and let tears plunge down like the Niagara falls, but generally i’m fine in fact, doing well, at least when you consider the number of shit i’ve had to go through. but inside am i really?

i’m really afraid i would one day, just break apart, fall apart into pieces and then be too damaged to ever be fitted back again. maybe, behind all this laughter and optimism, i’m slowly degenerating, hurting and disappearing into thin air. maybe i could be saved, and maybe all the pain and despair, the body’s warning signals, that i’m suppose to be feeling are all being masked by denial – alike adrenaline to a physical body, acting as a pain reliever.

that said, i feel that in the past few months i have matured. maybe not in the greater sense, of finally finding a strong and life changing motivation in life, or maybe not a pratical sense such as i have finally stopped indulging in fried or fast food or stop playing games in general. but, i’ve learned to make decisions and i’ve learned to compromise. most of all i’ve learned that though friends are important, no one’s gonna replace family for they are permanent, and they will forever be there. there’ll never be the best, but they’ll always be enough. and no amount of argument of hatred can change that. i’ve learnt that i could have everything, everything, but everything will be nothing, if i or the people that matters do not have, health.

it’s been slightly more than half a month since i found time to update, and it hasn’t been because my life has been particularly eventful and complete. but more because i have been busy trying to keep my norm in check. it’s a week or so into november, and the reality of 2011 slipping away has finally caught up with me. on the bright side, i’m in hope that december will bring me a driving license, many overseas trip, the holiday season with a christmas blessing and of course all my ggs back together.

on a different note. it’s the long weekend, and i feel extremely rested, or not. i’m not ready to return to the office tomorrow, though i’m much thankful that it’s an office i’m returning too and not some bunk with the intention of going to the jungle the next moment. also, this weekend has been a club-free weekend, and boy, aren’t i proud of myself. i saved a heaps of money, and energy and it feels rather great. i’m starting to question why clubbing seems like a compulsory event every weekend last time. there’s plenty of other things to do.

there’s so many things to do, and so little time. really need to get my ass together.

also, i realised i’m rather ugly, and yes it’s a strong word, but i miss those days i would look in the mirror and know i looked decent. my complexion is a bumpy graveyard of stress induced by the pure unluckiness in my life, and my jawline is being drowned by packets and packets of chicken rice that i find increasingly hard to resist. nothing i put on seems nice with a face like that and the every photo i take makes me irk. the picture above is the only decent one, and could be said is the best i’ve taken; and yes i do realise i STILL do look like dog faeces that has been trampled on by a hoard of wild obese bulls. to top that off, i’m fat, and heavy, even so that the hospital nurse thought her weighing scale was spoilt. i mean, can’t you just spare me the pain, and just take down my obesity quietly? isn’t really necessary to repeatedly question me whether my weight is really as such and whether it was cause my shoes was heavy. god.

second to that, the visit to the rheuma specialist saw me with probable arthritis tendencies, and that landed me in the blood test lab. it is just natural to wait every single stop in a government hospital and as i waited, i convinced myself that i wouldn’t faint, alike the last time they drew blood at cmpb. so i watched as a man enter a room, the lady scanned his form, and the monitor instructed her to take a valve of blood as reflected by a diagram on the screen. he seemed so cool like it was nothing and soon it was my turn. the lady scanned my form and holy freaking hell, two billion valves appeared and filled the screen. in the state of disbelief, i asked the nurse, are you gonna take like ten valves? then she’s replied so casually, “no la, not so many, only like [and she begins counting] 1….2….3….4….5….6!” and i was like WTF?!!? and proceeded on to express my fear of fainting, and how i really did the last time. and that was that, by the end of the fifth valve i was hyperventilating and so dizzy i couldn’t tell right from left, and i felt nauseous and the lady was shoving mentos down my throat and feeding my milo. what an experience. omgosh, this proceeded on with some xrays and the pharmacy, what a day yesterday.

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okay, i really don’t know how i went on to ramble on about my time in the hospital, but back to life.

i think, it’s just the fact that i was isolated in the middle of the pacific ocean, away from everything that eats away from me.

three days ago, before the start of this weekend, i was busy doing a dispatch to mandai hill camp, and it was pouring so heavy. it was impossible to get a cab, which was no surprises considering how unfortunate my life has been, just void of anything close to luck. so i decided to walk down a little, have a little more faith, before i was faced with a sign that read “caution, slippery floor”. two steps later, i was on my ass in a pile of mud. finally my phone ran on to announce a successfully cab booking after numerous calls and extended period of on hold. so it was good right? and then i got home, and thought i was finally safe – and then my nose started bleeding. i resigned to my ill-fate and just slept, for a good twelve hours which saw me on a bright new morning.

sometimes, no, many a times nowadays, i look back, the pass few months and wonder to myself what went wrong. it’s unnatural all this disastrous contributions to my life. but i get no where, and every pondering session just ends with a sign of relief and resignation to my faith. i’ve been waiting too hard for a spark to set me in the right direction. it use to be on each new year, on a birthday, and it became to looking forward to a new month, to the next week. and now, all i think about is a better tomorrow; though it’s always just showing me a new low.

fix me.

though change is constant,
it’s how we experience change that is not.

it’s already october, and though it seems like so much has changed from last october, i still feel absolutely the same. maybe a little more battered and pushed and stuffed, but the same anyhow.

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my stomach as been all weird, and the doctor concluded it was stomach flu and ibs; which may be due to diet, infection and quite possible, stress. well i can’t deny that i over indulge in food quite alot, and the possibly of infection is sky high since i’m in camp all day. however, i’m definitely, most certainly subjected to stress. it does blow, having cramps in my abdomen all day, and having fluid faeces flow out every chance it gets. and this has put me on a two day mc to rest it out at home. on another note, i’m finally getting my joint aches checked. all this – ‘it’s a small thing’, ‘it’s just growing pains’, ‘don’t worry you’re thinking too much’ – talk will finally see a conclusion. well at least i hope so.

p.s i was really round and fat back then. gosh it’s time to start watching what i eat. BIG TIME.

trying not to pretend, that it won’t happen again and again like that.
never thought it would end but you got up in my head and my head like that.